Plus One

So. We are here at home at t-plus one day.

What? You can go past the due date?

Ahhhhh yes, paduan. Apparently it is a common thing for womenses to go past their due date. In fact, the date is actually given a few weeks before the baby REALLY is supposed to pop out just to piss off the mama and turn the dad's stomach into a clothes washing machine filled with mentos and diet coke.

And it looks like, as many should have guessed, my child will arrive later than expected. Who saw this coming?

So the wife is now trying to walk it out and I am keeping tabs on when the contractions are hitting... right now we are looking at about seven to eight minutes between the times that my wife thinks that I should have been (or could be soon) testicleless...

Oh yeah, we did the same thing Sunday night to the tune of nine to ten minutes apart for a few hours. Did I mention that I sometimes have a hard time making a decision?

And we are still at home, not running off to the hospital because those doctor-people say that we have to have five minutes or less in between the big fat sigh/ groan things that my wife spurts out. She is trying to read crappy fiction to get her mind off the painish.

Breathe woman!

I try not to get too close so that she can't get a good hold of anything dainty. Duck and weave. Duck and weave.

I ask about having more kids. She says that the mothers "forget about the pain". I still remember the pain bestowed upon me by the little turd that kicked me in the jewels in the fifth grade before a soccer match. Yes cleats. I am not yearning for another run-off-into-the-bushes-because-my-testicles-are-exploding kind of pain anytime soon. But that's me. And I guess I didn't get any joy out of the experience, except for the raking of his legs later in the match. But you do get some with a new child, I hear.

Irretardless, we are going to have a child soon. Make way quickly and quietly for all planetary exits. Quickly and quietly. Do not rush. You do not have time to collect all of your belongings; take only needed items. Leave the kids. Take the Wii.